i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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