I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
