Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
