i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I could make wine with my vomit
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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