I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
