I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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