i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
