when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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