his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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