i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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