I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
