This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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