Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
