1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
