I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just high enough for therapy.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Pants are for mortals
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
