We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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