'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Randomize
