Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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