jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
