I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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