Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
