I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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