I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
