I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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