direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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