Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
