Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
