You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
