We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
