Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
