I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
