My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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