Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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