I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
