OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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