i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
