my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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