i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
