Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
