just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
