it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
