captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
