filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm too high and old for this...
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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