I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
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