So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
