yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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