My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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