im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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