The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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