I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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