How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
NoShamevember. You game?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
