considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We are all done wearing pants today
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